MY NEW YEAR’S EVE

I originally wrote this post on Friday, December 31st and from then and now all of the hope I had for 2011 was clouded by deceit and rejection. I had planned to post this on New Year’s Day but was resistant and then life happened. I became apprehensive and doubted myself.

MY NEW YEAR’S EVE was Sunday, January 9, 2011. I say it was mine because all of the hope that usually comes from the New Year and the fresh start didn’t happen for me until then. That night I hit rock bottom…again. Probably the lowest I have been in awhile. For the past week I was doing things out of my character, I was doing things that could hurt me and other people. I was doing things purposely for me to forget and to be numb from the pain, the lies and the rejection. That was it for me…done, finito, I am not going back to that again. Monday morning was a new day and a new start. (Obviously I am trying to keep this somewhat vague)

It only seems fitting for me to now announce my New Year’s Resolutions. I think this fresh start…whether it went along with the correct calendar schedule or not is needed. I reread my original post and made a couple of changes. I think when you read it you can hear the hope and excitement in my voice. I am disappointed that I let myself waver from my original plans.

So here is my original post from December 31, 2010…

If you haven't seen the movie "Easy A" I suggest seeing it. On my day off today…the day of New Year’s Eve, I spent time with friends getting a head start on 2011 by running and rock climbing and watching “Easy A” before the festivities begin.

The movie is about…High school student Olive Penderghast (Emma Stone) finds herself the victim of her school's "rumor mill" when she lies to her best friend Rhiannon (Alyson Michalka) about a weekend tryst with a fictional college freshman. Word quickly spreads of Olive's promiscuity and, much to her surprise, she welcomes the attention. When she agrees to help out a bullied friend by pretending to sleep with him, her image rapidly degrades to a more lascivious state and her world begins to spin out of control. As she helps more and more of her classmates and her lies continue to escalate, Olive must find a way to save face before the school's religious fanatic Marianne (Amanda Bynes) gets her expelled and she loses a shot at attaining her own happiness.

I have so many thoughts in my head this post is going to come out so confusing and unorganized. I apologize in advance...

My favorite line from the movie I have included at the bottom. Pause for a minute and read it...I'll wait right here for you. Just like Easy A I created my own reputation. In Landmark we refer to it as how people know you. Do they think of you as liar, a cheat, irresponsible, a bitch, always running late, too nice…we can go on and on with this. In her story all of the things are false and while some of mine are true, I created it. There is no man standing outside my window with a boombox because I have not set the standard, the expectation…I have created my character who allows people to treat me the way they do. And yes, just like Easy A it was nice to get the attention, nice to have friends or boyfriends or just people/relationships. BUT unless I change my character, explain the rules, set the standards, they are never going to change. What is so incredible about this is I have been treating myself as if I am this character that I created. I would not treat my friends with the disrespect I treat myself with. I don’t break promises to my friends, I don’t want them to be in bad health, I don’t advocate them eating crap and drinking. I don’t talk to my friends or even some strangers the way I speak to MYSELF. OMG!!!!

Those of you reading this….and I honestly don’t even care if no one reads it. I just have to get this out even if it is only for me to reflect upon. Those of you reading this may think I am coming from this depressing, dark place with this but no actually there is so much light, so much brightness, so much opportunity. Thank god I didn’t go on anymore like this. Maybe it is me getting sentimental about the New Year, but this is not coming with me into 2011. I want to tell some of you who may be reluctant about this change, I am sorry for changing the rules in the middle of the game. I know that’s not fair to expect everyone to be able to follow the new rules after they have gotten so used to the original ones. Knowing that, I understand if you don’t want to play this game of life with me anymore. I have no ill thoughts towards you…honestly!! I could have set the rules in the beginning but I didn’t, it’s my own fault. I wish you the best, hate to see you go and wish you would stay. Those of you who want to stick around…get excited. There is a whole new game about to be played!

"Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life."

After a HUGE declaration like that it only sounds fitting to set the rules or in this momentous occasion declare my New Year’s Resolution….

I declare in 2011…

I am going to be independent and content with myself!

I am going to be celibate with one exception. However, the rule is I am not going to tell anyone who it is and I am not going to tell them either. They will just have to wait for the moment to happen ;). There is one person I am still holding out for, one person I want to be a huge game player in my life.

I am not drinking alcohol until I reach my goal weight. The amount of empty calories in the stuff is ridiculous, never mind the amount of extra stuff you eat when you are drunk.

Weigh 145 pounds by May 1st, just in time for the summer.

Meet my biological mother, Christine.

Learn how to snowboard.

Take the Landmark Advanced Course

Be a HUGE PLAYER in my GAME of LIFE.