Sitting with Myself

I see a therapist every so often and I think it is important to do so for a couple of reasons.  It makes me have to talk about my feelings and not make any of my loved ones feel like they are my doctor.  Never mind the fact that some people should just not be giving clinical advice.  So in my recent meeting with my therapist he is challenging me to learn how to sit with myself.  Something that sounds so simply but when you are like me who just rather say everything is fine and avoid the situation, this is a very hard thing to do.  You have to really think about it. 

So while sitting with myself I thought about what are the most important things to me right now.  1.  My Career, 2.  My Love Life, 3. My Bucket List.  To go into detail of each of these, my career is important because this is the first time I can ever say I am happy where I work and I am happy for the company I work for.  Most importantly…I’m good at what I do.  I am building a future for myself, for a family, for future advancement and for the ability to work from home when a family does finally come around. 

While I would love to “focus” on my love life unfortunately this is something that really just needs to fall into place.  All I can do is just be open and try not to hold on to the previous hurt.  I am ready.  I want to be someone’s wife, best friend, a lover, comforter and confidant, provider in my own way.  I want to be a mother.  From my previous post you can see I am having struggles with dating.  In not being in a serious relationship.  While the time that someone will have to put in to really get to know me while be much more rewarding then just jumping in again and hope it all works out.  I am going to do my best to be patient, not rush into things for once and just be.  I am going to just be open ready and willing to eventually give all of me to someone.

My bucket list is so important because it is a real list of things I truly want to accomplish.  It being on my blog holds me accountable and makes me really stick to it.  This part of me I am really disappointed with.  If you look at my bucket list though there are 22 things related to my health and financial change. 

5. Get a new car
6. Pay off my Amex
15. Run in 5 5k’s
19. Weigh 145 pounds or less for 6 months
20. Don’t eat out for one month, including coffee
21. Don’t drink alcohol for a month- DONE 4/13/2010
22. Get off of medication
23. Pay my parents back the money I owe them-One down (4/3/10)
41. Become an aerobics instructor
53. Improve my credit score my 100 points
58. Go to the Biggest Loser Resort
59. Don't eat red meat for 3 months
63. Compete in a triathlon
66. Save $5,000
70. Take adult swimming lessons
72. Finish the 7k training program
73. Wear a bikini without feeling self-conscious
74. Get my eyes checked
88. Get 8 hours of sleep every night for one month
96. Floss everyday for a month
97. Designate a section of my house as “the gym”
100. Be able to do 5 pull ups

If this list is so important to me, why am I not putting the effort in?  In a year when I look back at how many tasks I have completed and I sit with myself then how will I feel?  Proud or disappointed?  Will I feel like I slacked off and came up with other excuses again to not succeed.  Dr. Ross has talked a lot about a short time of sacrifice can lead to long term success.  If I take anything away from meeting him I want it to be his passion, his drive….for love, success, life, family and everything in between.  Where is my sacrifice?  Where is my dedication?  Am I scared to be better, am I scared I will have nothing else to hide behind, no more excuses?  I watch the Biggest Loser and you see the stories of the contestants and you see that their struggle with health and even finances (yep they bring Suze Orman on for one episode and talk about how the two are related) is there way of hiding, self sabotage, of feeling they deserve the life they currently have.  Through the season they have to learn how to sit with themselves and how they really feel about themselves.  

It amazes me how people can touch your life so much.  I think about the contestants on the Biggest Loser, they are complete strangers to me, I think about my friends, I think about what DJ (another made up name for privacy) is struggling with but he still holds on when I would have already given up.  I think about my brother and the impact my parents have left on me and everyone else I am leaving out.

I feel I am at a very pivotal point in my life…even right this moment while I am typing.  Am I deserving, strong, motivated, brave, WILLING to make this change or do I want to continue to avoid, hide, say everything is fine.