I Just Have to Get This Out

It’s 10:27pm on Friday night. My internet is still not working so I am typing this on Microsoft Word and will post it later. My last load of laundry is drying and I just need to get some thoughts out. I do not know how to date…I do not know how to just be or just hang out or just go with the flow. For every relationship I have been in it has been like grade school where you are just boyfriend and girlfriend immediately. I am out of my comfort zone. I don’t know how to do this. I see my flaws coming out and I can see how they would scare anyone away. How are you supposed to learn these things? How are you supposed to be cool and collected? I don’t know how to treat a guy as someone I am just dating compared to how I treat a boyfriend. I have issues and I know we all do but I have real baggage. I have issues with rejection, if someone doesn’t want to see me or has something going on I immediately think it is me not that they just have other priorities. I have problems trusting someone again. How do you know if you can trust someone to be faithful, to be there, to just follow through with what they say they are going to do. I am always anxious and I make people feel anxious. I act impulsively. I speak before I think and I just spit out whatever comes to mind, good or bad. I am open and honest maybe sometimes too much. I have imperfections, I have curves that I don’t like, I have freckles I am not a fan of and I have twitch because my eyes get too dry. How am I ever going to be able to “date” someone long enough to get past imperfections and before I freak them out with all of my issues? OMG I am stressing myself out right now. How would anyone find these qualities endearing to be with me long enough to find out all the good I have in me. How will I ever figure out what kind of guys I really want to be with if I constantly am just jumping into a relationship and not treading in the shallow end a little first? All of this just makes a girl want to become a hermit or sign up for an arranged marriage. I am scared of opening myself up again and I am scared of getting hurt.