Now the point of having a blog is for it to be like your online diary. It keeps accountable to write every day for the people you know are following it. It makes you talk about your feelings and it makes you be honest not only with other people but with yourself. Since I want this to be a real blog, a real diary I am going to share some of the tough things I go through. In return that’s why this blog is password protected. I don’t need everyone knowing my dirt.
So here begins one for the tough things. This morning I sent John a text message and asked when we could meet to catch up. We had an agreement that we were going to get together after the holidays and that we both needed some space with all that has happened between us. Well he responded back and said he cannot, he felt it would not be appropriate because he is seeing someone….
I am going to pause and let you take that in for a minute because I want you to think about why this really bothers me, why it is tough.
So it took me a long time to really think about it. Even though you all know I first flipped into psycho B&T$H mode and started texting as fast as my little fingers could. I then called him and said how could you do this to me. How could you have led me on. How could you have broken the promise for us to get together after the holidays. I then came up to my desk and wrote John a letter and said good bye. I included parts of it below because I feel it is the only way for me to explain why this is a “tough one”
“In the middle of the initial shock of our previous conversation I don’t think I was able to truly express what I wanted to say to you. I never expected or held out hope for us to get back together again in January. I was only expecting what we both agreed to, talking in January. I know we cannot be in a relationship but was hoping we could just keep in touch until we either naturally became friends, got back together or just gradually moved on and fell out of touch. I appreciate that you were just trying to be honest and respectful by telling me the truth that you are seeing someone. And while I don’t want to hear more about them or the relationship I was still expecting us to meet and check in and chat still in January. Especially since as you explained you are just dating and it is very new. You not wanting to meet up signifies that this person is more important than me and that is why this hurts so much. Even though I am seeing someone you would still be important to me. Yes, I understand that either of us could eventually meet someone that we would want to spend the rest of our lives with but for now, (a month after being officially divorced and us promising each other that we would get together in January) I would still expect to be more important and I would still expect that you would value that promise.
I am sorry I hurt you so much when I moved out, but we each were hurt during that time. I thought the point of us taking space was to move past what we each did to each other and to focus on our current situation. Regardless of what you did to me or what I did to you or who waited the longest for the other in the past, you in the present hurt me by not holding up your end of the current agreement. I wish you the best and I know you will be great. Please give all of my love to your family and save some for you. I am going to stop putting my energy into this and put it into more productive things like myself and my relationships. I am going to put my energy into moving on since you clearly have said there is no hope for any type of future relationship.
This is my good-bye, maybe just for now, maybe forever.”
So during your pause, if you thought I was upset because he is dating someone you are wrong. I am upset because it is just another phase of it being over for real. First it was on paper and now I am no longer important enough to even meet for a coffee because he would feel he is betraying the one he is with. I knew this would happen but it doesn’t ever feel like you think it would when it does. I am no longer the most important thing in someone’s life that took vows that I always would be and it cuts like a knife. I am going to do what my letter said though, whether I actually send it to him or not. I am going to focus my energy elsewhere and try to let go of that last little bit that I was reserving for him. It’s ok for me to be upset as I grieve. I will get through this.
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